It ain't over. 1:30AM Half-Awake Thoughts

I'm still coming to terms with myself. The every day transformation and every day conflict between myself and people who don't think I should complain or speak my mind. Whatever.

I’m trying very hard to like men. They’re are very confrontational and set in their ways, without considering a change in point of view. In ways I am the same, but I think about life and how much I’ve progressed, and how much my opinions/views have altered themselves with the acquiring of new knowledge and I must say that I am different. I talk to Jonathan, a straight friend who I am thankful for being open minded enough to discuss and respect feminism but time and time again he is lost in the world of hetero-normativity. The belief that promiscuity is slut, etc. And he still, even with all his knowledge and our friendship hangs around homophobic assholes who have no good intetions for gays. He doesn’t try to change their minds or even cares to bring it up that how they think is wrong, he doesn’t have to. he doens’t care and has the luxury of not giving a shit. Gay guys? They SHOULD care, but they’re too wrapped up in vanity and consumerism and mass marketed culture than the are about politics. The media has stolen our voices, made us numb and blind and fucked us over by creating a list of “should be’s” and “shouldn’t be’s” for the gay community and therefore has lead us along the path of single-tracked buy buy buy to complete my soul mode. How do I identify with men then? They can see the importance of gay equality but not the NECESSITY of it. It is not a priority for them, it is not a concern. For me it is reality, it is life or death, it is struggling on a day to day basis to be taken seriously, it is wanting to not live in FEAR to be WHO I AM. It is hating yourself.

So yes, destruction of our current notions is necessary. How can I let people “do as they please” when we can’t even be sure if they’re truly following their heart or following what they have been told? Some say that they have chosen to follow that superficial and meaningless path, so be it. Perhaps they are too dumb to realize anything else. Without the education of other possibilities how can we expect anything else to exist other than what the media has dictated for us? Our culture is under attack from itself, only we can stop it. That is why propaganda trashing is so necessary, and arguing against this lifestyle is important. Of course it is a conflicting issue within me, I am part of it as much as they are, but I see how detrimental it is. I want it to be FINISHED, OVER WITH, GONE! I know that’s impossible but I’m demanding it. I want it so bad. If we can demand and demand and wish and long for GLAMOR, which is IMPOSSIBLE as well, and emulate to such extremes, we can surely do the same for the other end of the spectrum. So go on then let’s get to it.

Yesterday's Bruise

She wonders from room to room
down the hall with eyes scanning
over every object on the table

A hairbrush, travelsize deodorant,
half eaten peach, pens.

In purple and black from yesturday

9 Pound Girl

She's burning alive
Phoenix Mother, Dragon Mother
Embers fall and eat her skin;
light and life sprout, like seeds,
knowledge, truth, freedom.
Her eyes open and she Sees
the Key is within her.
As she sits in flames, rained upon,
her soul awakened.

Now, she is larger than life.
Heavy like lead.

Teen Dream Dorm Porn

Teen Dream Dorm Porn
Video sent by JonnyCunt

My 3rd/final project for my sophomore production class, fall semester 2008. Did it in an hour with two girls I got that same day. It was too fun.

Purpose

Last night we watched a Todd Haynes short in the Common Ground building on a small television on VHS tape. We had seen some rather unique and artistic short films but I felt emptied by them. In particular, the Haynes short was making me ill. Sensing that it was going nowhere but down, he follows the story of a young gay boy who idolized a female television star. Something all us queerboys can relate to right? Idolization comes naturally to us. Anywho, his father typically disapproves, his mother is naturally kind and giving--supportive.

Maybe Vivienne Westwood is right and nothing at all is really happening in the cinema. I can't seem to watch it for pure enjoyment anymore and films such as those are hardly enjoyable and seem more self-indulgent. I don't know why I found the film predicable and dull. Perhaps I'm all too familiar with the subject matter. Regardless, I watched it mindlessly, without thinking or coming to any sort of terms of realization with any part of myself or the world. The only introspective thought was me wondering why I could have possibly hated such a piece from a good director. I mean Far From Heaven was worth while, beautifully shot too.

Well, what I did learn is not to make something for simply the sake of making it. I must provoke thought, interest, something new each time. New emotions, because without them no one can go forward. If I don't do so I'm just creating a distraction, noise, things I'm trying so desperately to fight because it blinds us all from truth and reason.

Heartbeats;

Heartbeats;
Video sent by JonnyCunt

My first film! Currently working on a new poppin picture called "Angel Dust" www.brightpinktears.com

The Wet Virgin

Stripped metal shards, giant silver panels
from decontrusted buildings, destroyed
by Her rain, downpour of tears and blood
from eyes and between legs
Scortched centuries reclaimed.

She, Her Holyness, is glowing
Radiant and colorful.
Leaf, Aqua, White, Cherry, Purple fruit tone
with each breath, a shift.

& At this moment, we're like. Lost.
Not we, I. Although I know I'm not alone,
she's watching over me, and we know
that everything will be alright.